since I've posted, and my apologies. Things have been OK. Not brilliant; but not desperate, either. So...we're keeping the see-saw kind of parallel, if you will. Regardless lots has happened since... Sparks of brilliance, they are coming back. I feel like a weary soldier, who's got a bit of R&R ahead of her; but, I fully realize that I'll be hot and heavy in the firefights again, very soon.  

So...I slept.  I don't...really want to get up or anything, but...I have a class and stuff...I need to move.  Exist.  Something.  I'm so tired...I just want to sleep for the a few million years or something.  ...gotta get up, though.  Class.  Gotta go to class.

I've decided to return to normal sleep for now. I'm pretty much stabilised; the sleep deprivation did what it was supposed to. So I've decided to take the safest course, stability-wise. My findings:...about it. I had no manic or hypomanic episodes during the period, either, so I don't think sleep deprivation is likely to trigger them (though more study definitely needs to be done on the area)

  So...I...yeah.  Submitted the CS230 exam online.  problems 1&2 are fine, I think, but I couldn't finish three, I kept getting a runtime error and I looked for two hours trying to fix it and nothing.....there's no pressure or anxieties from the real world in sleep...it's peaceful.  For me, it's...sometimes, it feels like...that's the only peace I can have.  I...I need sleep.  I need to sleep.

It always starts off the same. The firm denial that anything is wrong. The reckless flinging of self into the arms of an unsuspecting man. The only variation of how things end is just the extent...making rivulets down your skin. 'Let me love you,' he finally manages, putting one and two and three and four together. Smiling through your tears, you tell him you'll think about it. THE END  

I know something is "wrong" with me. if I try grouping myself with "people" anyway. I don't always intend to hurt people or worse, it simply happens, emotions never come or they spiral out of control...to start taking my anti-psychotics again, but I don't want to feel as though I'm moving underwater again. I see so much so clearly until I'm added into the equation. Posted via LiveJournal.app .

Hey kids! Back for another chapter...maybe i will stick with this better than others things in the past. Anyhow, after some discussion, the nurse practitioner decided that Lamictal was my best bet. Sure... the school and the group can find a new bitch to shovel shit off on. fuck them...i shall once more self-isolate and they can just shove that piece of info up their collective asses. Peace out

Watched  "Swing," a Law and Order, SVU episode that we taped, last night. Elliot's daughter is dx'd bipolar after an arrest for breaking/entering. She's been self-medicating, according to the ER doc. I'm quite late in reviewing: BPer's all over the 'nets have weighed in. Some resent the "crazy" way Elliot's un-dx'd  BP mother is protrayed, others loved the episode, still others said (paraphrased...

In my studies to learn more about this condition, called bipolar disorder, I have read several times that having bipolar is like walking a tightrope. It can be a fine balance between sanity and either depression or mania, and in that same token it can suspend you high in the clouds one moment and drop you to the depths of despair the next. What those authors, and researchers, have failed to express...

... It's like you want to cry, but you can't even do that because everything is so blunted and numb. It's like it was before, but less so. I don't understand.  Are these what I think they are--symptoms of bipolar disorder?  Or is this just how everyone feels?  This feels so familiar.  Those familiar feelings of emptiness, sadness, exhaustion, muscle pains, headache, mild nausea...and the hypomanic state...