...because I was like its cool I'll just throw it up and I did but how much easier would life be if I was just anorexic. Of course I didn't become bullemic until after my first attempt at recovery. I swear bullemia is an addiction! No joke. You do it once, discover its easy and away you go. I'm willing to bet that even if I get over all my eating dramas in my life that I'll still puke my guts up occasionaly...

This is my rough plan and thinking. Thinking: This ain't gonna be easy but I've lived this way before and the only people it bothered was everyone bar me. I just have to stop living in the past....will be less than 500 with as much exercise as possible to get ready for the big day on January 1st 2009.  Weight and body measurments will hopefully be what they use to be. Maybe even less.

Recovery is a bitch. Ever time I think I've finally done it, learned to accept my new body, I go to bed and cry. I cry because my thighs touch now, because everything jiggles, because I have clothes that...or die trying. I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care who notices. I'm so miserable, its worse than the harrasment and drama that came with my illness. I can't take this anymore and I won't.

  I go as long as I can without eating.  It used to be like a contest between my brain and my stomach.  My stomach would try to tell me I need food, and my brain would tell me that if I succumb to my...and jumpjumpjump,  and do a billion crunches, and squats, and lifts and such, and begin the starvation phase all over again.  So That's my cycle..  What a world. What a Life. I'm in Love.

...is just stinging so much! lol tomorrow's gonna be hell, it's gonna hurt so bad. Working out is awesome though, and now that i don't have anything stopping me, i can do whatever it is i wanna do. Bullemia is a big problem for me again though, to a point where i'm terrified that it'll turn into Anorexia. Lol, all i rely on is booze and cigarettes now, Dad and i went to the grog shop and bought a...

I just opened up an lj account inorder to vent things that I can't or find it hard to tell the people closest to. A few months ago I told my boyfriend that I had bullemia so that I couldn't lie anymore and that I had no choice but to stop. I put on a few kilos recently and beginning to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that it's affecting everything I do. Tonight I binged and purged for the first...