It only took that One razor. That one cut. I watched the Blood flow out With all my Pain. I don't feel anything Now. How can you Feel when you Have a broken Heart? Darkness closes In on me. One last look At your picture, And the sharp Blade calls me Home.  

...lot, wrap it up and say I burned myself, that is why the bandage is there and act ashamed for being such an idiot that would burn herself. I feel like I have lost the only thing that calmed me, the cutting. Now about the guilt. OMG it is so great.  I feel guilty for being such a shitty wife. J really is trying and I am a lost cause. He deserves so much better and even if he doesn't want anyone else...

... I know that for most people they cut to get out emotions they bottle up. That was the reason I started, but right now it feels like all those silly things are just washing away. Like everyday the tide comes a little bit further up and cleans out a little bit more of my heart, making me whole again. The cutting feels good, and I'm not trying to kill myself with it, just feeling good.

My anxiety level is so feakin high. My heart is racing as is my mind. J is sitting across from me right now and has no idea how truly miserable I am. The suicide thoughts are coming back and I think it...I want to cut so damn bad. I mean BAD! He has to take baby girl to the doctor later on today and I know I should go to keep myself safe but I don't have the energy to. Seems like a no win situation

You are loved. That means you too Jen. Today and tomorrow and ever after. I dare you to move. And I do move.  I have, I am, and I continue to. Phillipeans 4:6-9

Just sharing a couple pictures from this weekend: the light test cutting and piercing I talked about in my earlier post. Please note, if you are squeamish at all, there is blood showing. Also, a safety note: My bottom and I are completely fluid-bonded so many of the normal safety steps were not taken in this sharing. I simply prepped his skin and my hands and then used sterile blades, needles, and...

.... I also learned a new chest harness and Chael, my spousal unit, started getting familiar with ropes. Chael let me cut him for the first time and also tried out play-piercing at my hand. On the cutting, we were tinkering to test how well he could take it as he's volunteered to be my demo-doll in October, he did great... I started with just some light random cuts to let him get the feel and then...

Well, this is *live journal* so i figured now would be as good a time as ever to have a big 'ole rant fest. this is my form of ranting: Today, my mom told me that i'm not worth the tuition they pay... i'm not eating dinner tonight because i can't stand to put anything into my body that she's touched, and because i know how much food costs and i don't want to waste any more of her money. done

well. i just cut the number 112 into my thigh. it's my ugw. =] it was supposed to a punishment for a binge, but it actually made me feel good. i'm such a twisted individual. =P why do i always put my cuts on the outside??

my nickname is squeaks, because im very soft spoken, and as people say i sometimes squeak when im talking, laughing or when im poked. the abc isnt just a random thing, this journal, it will tell a story...everyday, sometimes ill post more than once a day, just because i have alot to write. i write alot more than what i post, i just dont beleive that im a good writing. i hope you enjoy my entries.