What I hate the most is how you make me feel like a silly girl . Like I'm some idiotic bimbo without a proper tangible thought. I hate how I can't keep my confidence and charm around you. Suddenly,...you everything. I can't go another YEAR . I have to know if it's yes or no - then maybe next year I can finally say I hate you. In case I do make that call. Please pick up the phone. :|
I'm going to get a little emo on you guys now. Just need to let off some emotion, because I have been a swirling, whirling ball of sadness all day. What is so wrong with me? I cannot grasp the problem...up with him, it would be like cutting myself in two. Maybe this weekend Amber and I can talk about it, and maybe that will help. I hope it will help. I need it to help. I hate feeling like this
Today, work was ... okay-ish. Since Saitou-san left it kind of sucks anyways. It's a stupid feeling, when I dry the dishes and turn around to watch Saitou-san and he's not there anymore. Waaaah, Saitou... Always felt like the ugly duckling, just without the swan-part. Uuuh, self-esteem. I use to feel less interesting / beautiful / whatever than my friends. Because I love you. Or something like that.
this is my favorite poem, maybe because of the last line in it: "first chill - then stupor - then the letting go". it also somewhat mirrors the gloomy parts of my life in a way. ... like a stone - this is the Hour of Lead - remembered, if outlived as freezing persons, recollect the snow first cill - then stupor - then the letting go - (Emily Dickinson, 1862)
If I can choose to be anyone other than myself I would choose to be still me but with the fairer complexion, the taller and the sexier version, more intelligence, and even more self confidence... But I just don’t use them. Because I’m always afraid. Oh well, it’s just me and my self-pitying self again.
I have let a big opportunity slip away because of a petty argument. Or maybe it’s just me – the weakling inside me who always wins. It was a job opportunity away from here...of him. I just keep it to myself. It was because of him that I turned off my phone. It was for him that I did not try for the job. I could’ve fought for it, but I chose not. I found a way how.
I feel really bad, seriously I do. I think... the last post was kinda wrong in someways. Maybe I have been acting up for no apparent reason. I don't know... And because of that I hurt some people I really...old me back~! I was stupider...but it seemed that I at least I cared more about my friends feelings....I just need to think right now...... Because really this does bring me to tears........ D::::::::::
I bought 2 extremely gorgeous maxi dresses today. And a gazillion more dresses from Cotton On's sale and a t-shirt and white basic top from Zara. I'm spending too much and I have this overwhelming anxiety... But at least it's individual work. I don't think I could tolerate nonsense again this week, especially given my current mood. And tomorrow I fly off to Perth. Great. I haven't even packed. :S
