It's ironic that I'm doing a research paper and I'm feeling quite aggressive now, because I have to re-do my assignment. Argh!!! Can you imagine how black my face is right now? I just need to complain...said is sooo true... Human relationships are important in our lives as it can be seen how my mood changed from pissed off to calm now. Having said all that, you just have to look deeper into things.

        Gosh be darned anxiety attacks.  Hardly seems fair that I should have to be plagued by another one tonight, after having had one almost every night this week.  Yet here I am, having another one...has their own path in life, something they were meant to get done.  I can’t help but think that mine could not be completely, while drugged on strong meds.  Goodness, this is a confusing time.

...for awhile. I noticed it was getting to me more than normal. When I got home I was pretty irritated.  Then, things didn't go as planned when I got home.  Jezzi was a full blast. I realized the emotions and the fire inside.  I realized I needed to let the emotions out one way or another.  So, I jumped rope and did a few yoga moves. Now I'm pretty calm and the emotions are faint so don't feel...

Or is it just the whole, I have a new job and a puppy and am trying to do a LOT more than I'm used to which is making me VERY tired and therefore EXTREMELY emotional? It suddenly caught up with me just... love this new job, and the people are great...it is very similar to what I was doing before :)  I like Coors...excuse me....MillerCoors....and I hope that I can find a permanant position there.  

I think I'd better go to the hospital. I can't make myself stop thinking about hurting myself, and now I'm thinking about taking all my Klonopin and making it all stop, so I'd just be better off in the hospital. Back in a few days.

I tried calling helplines and they want to hospitalize me. I don't want to go to the hospital. I just want the pain to stop. I feel like if I could just cut myself, it would be better.

The urge to cut myself is getting stronger. I thought about checking myself into the hospital but I probably can't do that because people need me at home. I don't want to move, except to hurt myself. I just want some way to make this pain go away.

I feel horribly tense. I can feel pain in my vagina, body memories of how my father used to hurt me. I feel like I can't talk. All I want to do is cry or cut. I really would prefer to cut than to start crying. I would rather bleed than cry. I wish I could dissociate and just get away from these feelings. Help.

my dreams last night were centered around molly, kevin, and a kitten. i'll write more later if i remember more. one thing i remember is how much i had missed molly, and how wonderful it was to see her again. Dexter was present, too. inside, it makes me very very sad, but I'm glad i had that dream. it means I was right in a fair amount of my postulations.