Good day in terms of mood. Bad day in terms of food. Knew I would be going for beers tonight so packed a slightly bigger lunch of Tuna with extra light mayo and pasta. But it was soooo delish I'd eaten...trainfare really. I'll pop into Morrisons tomorrow night and see if there are any cheap treats etc. Feeling calmer and more together today. Looking forward to therpay on Monday. Loads to talk about
You know the drill. You get tagged for this, and you gotta post seven facts about yourself, and then tag seven more people. I got tagged by rain_and_rivers . 1) God speaks to me through water... I am sure there is a scientific explanation. 7. I have a secret mission. I tag: shydoh dmerco64 (no one else does these things, I think, but go for it if you'd like)
Calmer now .... this morning was intense. Work is a welcome distraction. Going home tonight is what scares me. More time alone ... time to think. I went for a walk at lunchtime and by the time I got... I HAVE to sell stuff on eBay this month, even if it's only £20. Would help immensely. Debbie's trying to pursuade me to have beers tomorrow. I could be convinced. More money I don't have. ~sigh
I fear has been opened. The session last night touched a massive nerve and has made me think ... and think ..... and think. It's opened up a lot of wounds and insecurities. I feel like me head is going to explode. I want to be sick. How am I ever going to be fixed and live a normal life? A happy life?
After therapy tonight I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. It really hit a nerve and left me feeling .... I actually can't describe! But I'm drunk now and have eaten loads of creamy comforting food...of the month. My life is such a mess. I'm a mess. And what was said tonight scared me. Depressed me. Made me feel empty. I have a million thoughts rushing through my head. Will I ever be fixed
Watched "Swing," a Law and Order, SVU episode that we taped, last night. Elliot's daughter is dx'd bipolar after an arrest for breaking/entering. She's been self-medicating, according to the ER doc...of that. But for us, replace the contentiousness of Elliot and Kathy's relationship with a stressed but extremely close and supportive partnership ... it's the only way I have lived through it.
Today is one of the first days I feel almost like myself again. It's amazing!! And a relief. To be honest I've gone straight from 10mg to 20mg. As I had a few spares. No real side effects only clarity and a sense of wellbeing. Awsum! I did doubt I would ever feel better but now I'm more hopeful and positive about the future. I never want to go back there again. YES!
Today was mostly good. I got paid. I think my meds are kicking in. I didn't totally binge. I made it into work. I coloured my hair & eyebrows (but too tired to cut my fringe). Food-wise it's been pretty... God I'm organised (she says now!) It could all go horribly wrong in a moment of weakness. I need to be strong, disciplined and in control. Of everything. But apparently that's my problem! LO
Three different psychological diseases. I believe that I suffer from all three. Of course, the perfectionism is the big one. I am a perfectionist, more specifically a neurotic perfectionist. Which leads...to be such a drastic difference between my moods.. almost like different people... oh, and I have many of the symptoms for BPD (borderline personality disorder). It's official, I'm fucking insane
