This has been broken up into multiple posts because it's insanely long. A key component of Project Ninja Cougar was not to tell anyone where I was until it was far too late, but alorene asked...to use a weight-based system of measurement because scales can be deceiving, and muscle weighs twice as much as fat—I loose weight when I'm unspeakably out of shape). I need to get out and exercise.

I got into an interesting conversation last night, so I pass it on to you. How do YOU feel about gender? Do you strive for something in your personal/public gender (or sexual) identity? For a long time...our physical bodies and its effects on our mind are only temperary. Sort of a physical package to contain the software. On the inside, I think we're all alike, male or female, both, neither, or other

We all change over time, even parts of ourselves and our perception or reality that we thought indelible. Myself, my very nature, is variable, as I’ve learned to my pain, learned to such pain that I’ve...under the unbearable mountains of worry and complexity that is mortality: in prayer, while reading the bible, and at furry conventions. Darnit, why can't I ever learn useful things about myself

What if it just didn’t matter? What if no one really cared? What if the first thing someone thought when they saw you wasn’t “male” or “female”, but “person”? That’s what I wish. It seems silly that...biased way myself. This sort of internal strife bubbles over into all sorts of ransom acts of insanity, and I have no idea what I must do to make peace with it. With myself. With gender. Any thoughts?

I don’t write much any—I don’t write much. At all. I was about to say “anymore”, but it’s been a long time since I’ve written regularly here, or anywhere. I’d like to say it’s indicative or a more orderly...It may also be a fear of commitment that keeps me so pinned. But that's a topic for another post. PS. Level 44 Tauren Druid named “Gumdrops” on the (US) PVP server “Maiev”, if anyone’s interested. :-

There is a girl--woman, rather; weird as it feels, I have no right to keep calling my cohorts immature--there is a female I feel split about. It's as if there are two of me whenever I am around her. One...much I fight it, sometimes it leaps unexpectedly into control of my entire being. I am deeply ashamed of this...and it's a credit to the woman in question that she puts up with me, this side included

        Sometimes God speaks to you through the things around you. For instance, I've been reading "She Said Yes", her mother's thoughts and reflections on the death of Cassie Bernall at Columbine High...be bygones and start over from this point right here, yah? Oh, and I'm finally taking your advice.~ VBC, here I come. Next fall I'll be there. Revelations 2:5 The tranq is kicking in, so I'd better go...

 Once again, Jari returns to the open road in idle search of a career. I accomplished what I set out to accomplish this year and achieved the personal edification goals I set for myself. While the medical...for me, if circumstances change inside two years, I'll still be eligible for the NREMT certification, provided I take and pass the aforementioned $150 test(s). So I’m not abandoning EMT-B completely.

It's that time again, kids! The time that Jari sits down and thinks out his Educational career with a little help from the JEOC. Any input, advice, ideas, or whatever would be very greatly appreciated...to offer the poor lost cougar? I'll make my own decisions in the end, as always, but any comments would be greatly appreciated! In other news, I failed my big exam last night. I need to study harder. :(