You know what's been bothering me lately? I really don't know what to do with my life. I mean a lot of things are going really well for me in pretty much every arena of my life except for a "career...up with and how I might study people in a natural setting without their knowledge. So that's another possibility. But I have no idea how that relates to a career. I don't know what to do. *frets*

i am so frustrated. but hey, i am starting this year where i stopped the last. february 7th. the day when everyone selfishly tries to get their cut of my attention, their time to show off all of the things...entertain everyone else? i don't know, but it's ok. i think i have learned to appreciate it, finally. no, i have. i do. i will take a compliment. i will take anything you give me. nicole, come home.

my normal color i think? honey blonde; the lightest it's ever been purple-ish (ooops no make up) and blackish/dark I'm bored with my hair againnnnnnnnnnnn what to do. what to do. what looks best? and for shits and giggles HI this is me at 17? haha WOW

i can feel all the pressure. but ben, i am going to be positive about it. even though you aren't. maybe you have the right. and maybe i don't. but either way i look at it, plus or minus, i am struggling...what's going on in their life to make them do it. and you are no different. i still think you are good. i still like you, i still think you are nice. and loyal. so your plan isn't going to work, is it?  

So, life has been interesting. I'm not sure why I'm blogging right now. I guess I just want to get a couple of thoughts down. It has finally hit me that I'm an aunt. My brother is now a dad, and my parents...complete us and we complete them. With all of this put together in one to two sentences: Right now I am incomplete, and I fear that I will always be incomplete, and I will never find the right one for me

enough time has passed since you went home that i forget you were here at all. and i always think "you take up so much of my time," but for what, really? just for sitting around, keeping busy with all...becomes you. right now i will sleep. and i will wake up and take my calculus exam. and then i will start over. again and again and again and again and again and again. happy birthday haile.

The position i put you in is hard. I have been in it before. and so be careful. and i do really want to tell you how much i admire how you are handling it. you aren't avoiding me, you aren't trying...wish that you could give me some kind of answer. even if it's small. even if it's no. you know? i'm not sure if i am doing my best or not. but i have to do better. i have to do. this is so stupid.

i am forgetting things at school i am waking up late everyday i am not doing my homework or paying attention in class i am flirting with you and then turning you away sharply. i don't know what's wrong...to get over them. and to get over it. but atleast my whole identity is no longer getting over you. and sarah and alexa i am sorry, too. i am really confused. but...i don't really want to talk about..

i remember having a sort of panic attack last summer, behind the cash register at world market. it was slow and i was thinking about dieing for the first time since i have been alive. i am bringing...religion is for; a set of guidelines and explanations to keep curiosity in check. keep loneliness. no one goes crazy when they are happy, i regret to say. cause look at myself. i'm really sorry.

i have a lot of important stuff to do. yes, a whole lot. and all i want is to do it. really. but i have a lot of pointless stuff, right along side of it all. and for some reason high school is set up... just running in circles. in which i am living the dream. living stuck, in it. but still i wish you had slept last night. because i worry sometimes you've been awake too long for me to understand you.