I am so frustrated.  I took another test yesterday.  One of those fucking Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com equivalent pieces of shit, and it looked negative at first, but of course I had to go check it later...psycho.  So I'm gonna go run my bank account further into the ground by buying more expensive tests because I won't/can't wait for another shipment of internet cheapies to arrive!! GRAAAAAH!

I just fucking CAN'T.  I want to be at a time in my life when I could have a baby.  I want to have a wedding date.  I want to be married already .   I want to be TTC with a husband or fiance or whatever...of these people on LJ.  One in particular.  She has everything that I want.  That I should have had... but I gave up.  I continue to give it up.   I want to be happy.   I want to stop crying for once.

Okay.   So last night my boyfriend and I were going at it, and right before anything really started , he pulls himself away from me, looks at me for a few moments and goes "You remembered to take...is being given false hope that it will happen soon, and then having that hope ripped away from you.   *sigh* Sorry for the whiny rant.  But this is so frustrating, and I needed to vent somewhere.  

"Whether by your will or not, there is no ship now that can bear me hence." ... I envy them.  All of them.  I just can't stop thinking about it.  It's an obsession.  I hate reading their birth stories...in love with their babies.  They're perfect.   I want that.  But I can't have it yet.  I know this.   It hurts to see what I could have had.  What I gave up.   Perhaps this is my punishment. 

The usual pregnancy rant follows.  So, Friday night I had a dream that included my Aunt D somehow, my Mom, and my sister B.  And then it flashed to our house, and it was Nate and I.  Anyways, the dream...Nate and me.  Oh well.  As soon as I find a weekend that's gonna be nice... I'm supposed to tell everyone, and we'll go then.  I'm off to check hotel prices and 10-day weather forecasts now.  :D

*A quick note:  I had misgivings about posting this one.  I feel kind of bad for ranting on and on about this possible pregnancy thing... I'm sure it can get tiring to read through.  :)  But I need to...in tears right now.  I think that's why I'm rambling (sorry by the way).  I don't know what I want, a positive or a negative, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with either result.  This sucks.  :(